the Joke thread.......

[Tazer That Evil, Yellow Bastiche Find all posts View Profile Close Tazer]

Yo.

I was on a first date with a girl. Afterwards she said she didn't want to see me again. Apparently she was really pissed because I didn't open the car door for her.

Well excuse me for being in a hurry to swim to the surface.

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Why did Hitler kill himself?

The Jews sent him a gas bill.

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A German couple are rushed to a Jewish hospital after a huge hailstorm. The boyfriend's right hand was cut, and the girlfriend's head is in really bad shape, so the couple go to the emergency room. A rabbi - who is accompanying and praying for all the patients in the emergency room - is in shock of how the girlfriend managed to be in the condition she was in. The rabbi asks the boyfriend, "what hit her?" The boyfriend still panting after rushing to the hospital pointing with his bandaged hand and quickly mutters, "hail-hit-her!"

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Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

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What does Bernie Madoff do all day in jail?

He plays Pyramid Solitaire!

Tazer

[Trey Strain Guardian of the Universe Find all posts View Profile Close Trey Strain]

This is not a joke but it's funny. When I was in college I had a job at a pizza place. We had a manager named Al who had had a long career in the military and had just gotten out a few years earlier. That existence had shielded him from much of the street knowledge that most people pick up.

One night while there were quite a few people in the line at the register waiting to pay, he walked up to me and asked in a loud voice, "Trey, what is a dildo?"

I was embarrassed to look at the people in the lobby but I could hear several of them laughing. I said, "I'll tell you later, Al."

[Tazer That Evil, Yellow Bastiche Find all posts View Profile Close Tazer]

Yo.

Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.

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Mother Teresa dies and is on her way up to heaven. She meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and is adorned with a halo. "Come on this way," St. Peter says, "I'll give you the tour." Mother Teresa is taken aback by the beauty of the angels, clouds and fountains. The pair come across a beautiful Princess Diana, who has a very large ring around her head.

"Why does she have a bigger halo than I do?" Mother Teresa asks in disbelief. "Don't worry about it. Come on, I'll show you the rest of the tour," St. Peter says. Mother Teresa starts tugging at St. Peter's robe, proclaiming "Why does that bitch have a bigger halo than I do?" Again, St. Peter tries to move on, "Look, just drop it, it's not important."

Mother Teresa then starts violently shaking St. Peter's shoulders and yells "WHY IN THE WORLD DOES THAT FUCKING WHORE HAVE A BIGGER HALO THAN I DO?!?!??!?" St. Peter kneels over to Mother Teresa and whispers in her ear. "It's not a halo, it's a steering wheel."

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My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

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An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

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A female nudist calls for a taxi

The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.

At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before?

Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me.

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Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Tazer

[Tazer That Evil, Yellow Bastiche Find all posts View Profile Close Tazer]

Yo.

I need to lose some weight, so I'm on the New England Patriots Diet;
I get a cheat day every Monday, Thursday and Sunday

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A penguin is driving his car through Arizona. His engine begins to shudder and overheat, so he pulls off at the nearest exit. As luck would have it, there is a small auto repair shop close to the exit. He drops his car off for the mechanic to inspect and notices an ice cream shop just across the street.

Mr. Penguin chooses a vanilla cone and due to his lack of suitable appendages, gets ice cream all over his face. Upon finishing his cone, he returns to the mechanic to pick up his car. As he approaches the shop the mechanic approaches him and explains, "Looks like you blew a seal!" to which Mr. Penguin replies, "Oh no! It's just ice cream, I swear!"

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What's the difference between Santa Claus and Harry Potter?

Santa would never free an elf.

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A 22-year-old man and a 57-year-old woman get to know each other in a bar. Even tho there's a big age gap, they like each other. Later the night, she whispers into his ear "Do you want to have sex with a mother and a daughter at the same time?" Of course he agreed and when they walked home, he felt like the most luckiest person on earth. When they arrived at her place she opened the door and shouted: "Are you still awake, mom?"

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The Dentist says, "When was the last time you flossed?"

The Patient replies, "You should know, you were there!"

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I've said it before, I'll say it again: It.

Tazer

[Fearless Agent Orange Find all posts View Profile Close Fearless]

That top one... you just couldn't leave it alone, could you?

[TazzMission Guardian of the Universe Find all posts View Profile Close TazzMission]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"






How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts?

With a mop.

[Trey Strain Guardian of the Universe Find all posts View Profile Close Trey Strain]

When you see a front-wheel drive, you had better step aside and tip your hat.

https://www.facebook.com/Stylisheve/...2933214399679/

[plastroncafe Alpha-Lantern Find all posts View Profile Close plastroncafe]

Woman walks into a bar, asks the bartender for an innuendo.
So he gave it to her.

[Fearless Agent Orange Find all posts View Profile Close Fearless]

Woman walks into a bar, asks the bartender for an innuendo.
So he gave it to her.

Shit, that's funny!

[Tazer That Evil, Yellow Bastiche Find all posts View Profile Close Tazer]

Yo.

Why did the Crip shoot the man with stomach flu?

Because he kept throwing up Blood.

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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

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Two pilots and one stewardess survive a plane crash and drift for days in the ocean until they reach a small isolated island, in the middle of nowhere.
After some days, they get the idea that no one is coming to rescue them. It's a sad moment but life goes on, and the survivors sets up a camp, eat fish, drink coconut milk, and fall asleep under the beautiful sky. Some weeks pass.
One day, the stewardess says:
- "Okay guys, we know we're here for a long time, possibly for ever. I know you have needs, and I have needs too. We are good friends, we know each other well ... I think we can do something : I could have sex everyday, one day with one of you, and the other one on the next day, etc. And if anything goes wrong, if one of us wants to stop for any reason, we just stop without asking any question. What do you think ?"

The two pilots look at each other shyly and finally approve. It's the beginning of a new life. They make love every other day, everyone is satisfied, and they all live happy together.

Sadly, one day, the stewardess get sick. And after a few weeks of painful fever and headaches, she dies. The two pilots are very affected. But they decide to be strong, and try to keep living as they can. One day, one of them tells the other:
•"You know ... we know each other for a long time, and after all we've been through, I think we could try ... you know..."
The other pilot answers :

•"Man, I was thinking the same thing. Let's try, and if one of us wants to stop, no questions, we just stop."

And then, they have a sex again, and everything is fine again. Until one day, one of them tell the other
- "Hey ... I'm sorry but, you know, I feel bad about it, it's not as good as it was, it doesn't feel the same. We said that we could stop at any time, so, yeah, I think I want to stop".
- "Oh boy, I totally agree, it's not the same, we can stop, no problem."
- "So ... should we bury her ?"

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Yo mama is so fat that she needs cheat codes for the Wii fit

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The 4 cheese lasagna proclaimed its love for the spaghetti with a beautiful poem about love and eternity.

The spaghetti replied: "God you're cheesy".

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What's the worst thing about being an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

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How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Tazer

[Tazer That Evil, Yellow Bastiche Find all posts View Profile Close Tazer]

Yo.

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

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What do you call a hookers fart?

A prosti-toot

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So I'm riding on the bus and this midget comes on and sits beside me.

After a couple of stops, the driver slams on the brakes and the midget slides off the seat, so I grab him by the arm and sit him down again.

Next stop, the same thing happens so again I grab him by the arm and sit him down.

By the fifth stop, the same thing happens and I'm irrirated so I grab him and say: "Hold on tight you dumb midget or you gonna keep sliding off the seat".

He turns around and says to me: "My stop was 5 stops ago, I've been trying to get off the bus you sunabitch".

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A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D. The Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit." Guy replies "Why the rabbit?" Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

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How many babies does it take to open a door?

It depends on how hard you can throw.

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A radio show is hosting a game where listeners call in with a new word. Radio Host: Hey all you listeners out there, time for another round of "New Word". As a reminder of the rules, you have to give me a word that does not exist in the dictionary and you have to say a phrase that uses that word.
Caller: Hello?...
Radio Host: Hello caller, you are live on Radio Fantastic. May we have your word please?
Caller: Gaan.
Radio Host: Can you spell that for us?
Caller: That's G...A...A...N.
Radio Host: That's great caller. Just a minute while I search the dictionary.
** Few seconds later **
Radio Host: Well, I can't find it. Now, can you use it in a phrase?
Caller: Gaan fuck yourself! ... Ha Ha Haa ... click
Radio Host: I'm sorry listeners. This is a family show and some people just have no respect for that.
* takes other calls *
... after a few minutes ...
Radio Host: Hello caller, can we have your word please?
Caller: Zmee
Radio Host: and can you spell that please?
Caller: Z...M...E...E
Radio Host: Let me just flip through my dictionary right here...
Radio Host: Right, so far so good. Can you use it in a sentence?
Caller: Zmee again. Gaan fuck yourself!

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How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon?

Intersect it with a plane.

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I think Jesus is black

Because he is our father and hasn't come back yet

Tazer

[TazzMission Guardian of the Universe Find all posts View Profile Close TazzMission]

As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time Hilary had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky...

And Monica blew it.

[Tazer That Evil, Yellow Bastiche Find all posts View Profile Close Tazer]

Yo.

On the local news last night there was a horrific fire resulting in the tragic loss of life. A particular fact about this fire had some members of the community riled up. It turned out that this particular building that burned down had Mexican tenants on the first floor, Black tenants on the second floor, and White tenants on the third floor. Somehow the first and second floor tenants had not escaped the building, while the third-floor tenants were unscathed.

Al Sharpton happened to be in the area preaching against other forms of racial injustice and decided that he would show up at this scene and demand some answers. How could these firefighters save the third floor occupants before anybody else?!!! He approached a firefighter interviewing with Channel 10's Anne Long and interrupted them. He demanded answers, repeatedly cutting off both the firefighter and the reporter. He screamed and he hollered until finally Anne gets a word in...."well sir, turns out they were at work."

Tazer

[Robinson Guardian Of The Universe Find all posts View Profile Close Robinson]

ouch

[Mister Ed Horse of a Different Color Find all posts View Profile Close Mister Ed]

ouch

Of course, if that story was real, you KNOW it wouldn't faze Sharpton at all. He'd just start in on inequalities of employment opportunity.

I swear though, Tazer, if I didn't already know (so much as I can about somebody on the internet) that you were Black...