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    Tazer
    That Evil, Yellow Bastiche

  • Tazer
    replied
    Yo.

    I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

    Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

    --------

    What do you call a hookers fart?

    A prosti-toot

    -------

    So I'm riding on the bus and this midget comes on and sits beside me.

    After a couple of stops, the driver slams on the brakes and the midget slides off the seat, so I grab him by the arm and sit him down again.

    Next stop, the same thing happens so again I grab him by the arm and sit him down.

    By the fifth stop, the same thing happens and I'm irrirated so I grab him and say: "Hold on tight you dumb midget or you gonna keep sliding off the seat".

    He turns around and says to me: "My stop was 5 stops ago, I've been trying to get off the bus you sunabitch".

    ---------

    A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D. The Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit." Guy replies "Why the rabbit?" Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

    ----------

    How many babies does it take to open a door?

    It depends on how hard you can throw.

    ----------

    A radio show is hosting a game where listeners call in with a new word. Radio Host: Hey all you listeners out there, time for another round of "New Word". As a reminder of the rules, you have to give me a word that does not exist in the dictionary and you have to say a phrase that uses that word.
    Caller: Hello?...
    Radio Host: Hello caller, you are live on Radio Fantastic. May we have your word please?
    Caller: Gaan.
    Radio Host: Can you spell that for us?
    Caller: That's G...A...A...N.
    Radio Host: That's great caller. Just a minute while I search the dictionary.
    ** Few seconds later **
    Radio Host: Well, I can't find it. Now, can you use it in a phrase?
    Caller: Gaan fuck yourself! ... Ha Ha Haa ... click
    Radio Host: I'm sorry listeners. This is a family show and some people just have no respect for that.
    * takes other calls *
    ... after a few minutes ...
    Radio Host: Hello caller, can we have your word please?
    Caller: Zmee
    Radio Host: and can you spell that please?
    Caller: Z...M...E...E
    Radio Host: Let me just flip through my dictionary right here...
    Radio Host: Right, so far so good. Can you use it in a sentence?
    Caller: Zmee again. Gaan fuck yourself!

    ---------

    How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon?

    Intersect it with a plane.

    ---------

    I think Jesus is black

    Because he is our father and hasn't come back yet



    Tazer

    Leave a comment:

  • Tazer
    That Evil, Yellow Bastiche

  • Tazer
    replied
    Yo.

    Why did the Crip shoot the man with stomach flu?

    Because he kept throwing up Blood.
    ----------

    Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

    For fingering a minor.
    -----------

    Two pilots and one stewardess survive a plane crash and drift for days in the ocean until they reach a small isolated island, in the middle of nowhere.
    After some days, they get the idea that no one is coming to rescue them. It's a sad moment but life goes on, and the survivors sets up a camp, eat fish, drink coconut milk, and fall asleep under the beautiful sky. Some weeks pass.
    One day, the stewardess says:
    - "Okay guys, we know we're here for a long time, possibly for ever. I know you have needs, and I have needs too. We are good friends, we know each other well ... I think we can do something : I could have sex everyday, one day with one of you, and the other one on the next day, etc. And if anything goes wrong, if one of us wants to stop for any reason, we just stop without asking any question. What do you think ?"

    The two pilots look at each other shyly and finally approve. It's the beginning of a new life. They make love every other day, everyone is satisfied, and they all live happy together.

    Sadly, one day, the stewardess get sick. And after a few weeks of painful fever and headaches, she dies. The two pilots are very affected. But they decide to be strong, and try to keep living as they can. One day, one of them tells the other:
    •"You know ... we know each other for a long time, and after all we've been through, I think we could try ... you know..."
    The other pilot answers :

    •"Man, I was thinking the same thing. Let's try, and if one of us wants to stop, no questions, we just stop."

    And then, they have a sex again, and everything is fine again. Until one day, one of them tell the other
    - "Hey ... I'm sorry but, you know, I feel bad about it, it's not as good as it was, it doesn't feel the same. We said that we could stop at any time, so, yeah, I think I want to stop".
    - "Oh boy, I totally agree, it's not the same, we can stop, no problem."
    - "So ... should we bury her ?"
    ----------

    Yo mama is so fat that she needs cheat codes for the Wii fit
    ---------

    The 4 cheese lasagna proclaimed its love for the spaghetti with a beautiful poem about love and eternity.

    The spaghetti replied: "God you're cheesy".
    ---------

    What's the worst thing about being an atheist?

    No one to talk to during orgasm.
    ---------

    How did the hipster burn his lips?

    He drank his coffee before it was cool.



    Tazer

    Leave a comment:

  • Fearless
    Agent Orange

  • Fearless
    replied
    Originally posted by plastroncafe View Post
    Woman walks into a bar, asks the bartender for an innuendo.
    So he gave it to her.

    Shit, that's funny!

    Leave a comment:

  • plastroncafe
    Alpha-Lantern

  • plastroncafe
    replied
    Woman walks into a bar, asks the bartender for an innuendo.
    So he gave it to her.

    Leave a comment:

  • Trey Strain
    Guardian of the Universe

  • Trey Strain
    replied
    When you see a front-wheel drive, you had better step aside and tip your hat.

    https://www.facebook.com/Stylisheve/...2933214399679/

    Leave a comment:

  • TazzMission
    Guardian of the Universe

  • TazzMission
    replied
    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

    Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

    The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

    "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

    "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for Ł5 million."

    "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

    Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

    Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

    "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"






    How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts?

    With a mop.
    TazzMission
    Guardian of the Universe
    Last edited by TazzMission; 09-18-2015, 06:02 AM.

    Leave a comment:

  • Fearless
    Agent Orange

  • Fearless
    replied
    That top one... you just couldn't leave it alone, could you?

    Leave a comment:

  • Tazer
    That Evil, Yellow Bastiche

  • Tazer
    replied
    Yo.

    I need to lose some weight, so I'm on the New England Patriots Diet;
    I get a cheat day every Monday, Thursday and Sunday
    ---------

    A penguin is driving his car through Arizona. His engine begins to shudder and overheat, so he pulls off at the nearest exit. As luck would have it, there is a small auto repair shop close to the exit. He drops his car off for the mechanic to inspect and notices an ice cream shop just across the street.

    Mr. Penguin chooses a vanilla cone and due to his lack of suitable appendages, gets ice cream all over his face. Upon finishing his cone, he returns to the mechanic to pick up his car. As he approaches the shop the mechanic approaches him and explains, "Looks like you blew a seal!" to which Mr. Penguin replies, "Oh no! It's just ice cream, I swear!"
    ---------

    What's the difference between Santa Claus and Harry Potter?

    Santa would never free an elf.
    ---------

    A 22-year-old man and a 57-year-old woman get to know each other in a bar. Even tho there's a big age gap, they like each other. Later the night, she whispers into his ear "Do you want to have sex with a mother and a daughter at the same time?" Of course he agreed and when they walked home, he felt like the most luckiest person on earth. When they arrived at her place she opened the door and shouted: "Are you still awake, mom?"
    --------

    The Dentist says, "When was the last time you flossed?"

    The Patient replies, "You should know, you were there!"
    --------

    I've said it before, I'll say it again: It.



    Tazer

    Leave a comment:

  • Tazer
    That Evil, Yellow Bastiche

  • Tazer
    replied
    Yo.

    Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.
    -------

    Mother Teresa dies and is on her way up to heaven. She meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and is adorned with a halo. "Come on this way," St. Peter says, "I'll give you the tour." Mother Teresa is taken aback by the beauty of the angels, clouds and fountains. The pair come across a beautiful Princess Diana, who has a very large ring around her head.

    "Why does she have a bigger halo than I do?" Mother Teresa asks in disbelief. "Don't worry about it. Come on, I'll show you the rest of the tour," St. Peter says. Mother Teresa starts tugging at St. Peter's robe, proclaiming "Why does that bitch have a bigger halo than I do?" Again, St. Peter tries to move on, "Look, just drop it, it's not important."

    Mother Teresa then starts violently shaking St. Peter's shoulders and yells "WHY IN THE WORLD DOES THAT FUCKING WHORE HAVE A BIGGER HALO THAN I DO?!?!??!?" St. Peter kneels over to Mother Teresa and whispers in her ear. "It's not a halo, it's a steering wheel."
    --------

    My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

    So I packed her things and left.
    --------

    An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

    She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
    -------

    A female nudist calls for a taxi

    The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.

    At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before?

    Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me.
    -------

    Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

    It only takes one nail to hang the picture.



    Tazer

    Leave a comment:

  • Trey Strain
    Guardian of the Universe

  • Trey Strain
    replied
    This is not a joke but it's funny. When I was in college I had a job at a pizza place. We had a manager named Al who had had a long career in the military and had just gotten out a few years earlier. That existence had shielded him from much of the street knowledge that most people pick up.

    One night while there were quite a few people in the line at the register waiting to pay, he walked up to me and asked in a loud voice, "Trey, what is a dildo?"

    I was embarrassed to look at the people in the lobby but I could hear several of them laughing. I said, "I'll tell you later, Al."

    Leave a comment:

  • Tazer
    That Evil, Yellow Bastiche

  • Tazer
    replied
    Yo.

    I was on a first date with a girl. Afterwards she said she didn't want to see me again. Apparently she was really pissed because I didn't open the car door for her.

    Well excuse me for being in a hurry to swim to the surface.
    ------

    Why did Hitler kill himself?

    The Jews sent him a gas bill.
    ------

    A German couple are rushed to a Jewish hospital after a huge hailstorm. The boyfriend's right hand was cut, and the girlfriend's head is in really bad shape, so the couple go to the emergency room. A rabbi - who is accompanying and praying for all the patients in the emergency room - is in shock of how the girlfriend managed to be in the condition she was in. The rabbi asks the boyfriend, "what hit her?" The boyfriend still panting after rushing to the hospital pointing with his bandaged hand and quickly mutters, "hail-hit-her!"
    -------

    Why can't a blonde dial 911?

    She can't find the eleven.
    ------

    What does Bernie Madoff do all day in jail?

    He plays Pyramid Solitaire!



    Tazer

    Leave a comment:

  • Tazer
    That Evil, Yellow Bastiche

  • Tazer
    replied
    Yo.

    Helen Keller walks into a bar...

    ... and a table... and a wall...
    ------

    A boy was on the toilet with diarrhea and called his mom over...
    He says "Mom, I need some viagra." The mom replies, "What do you need?!" The boy says, " I need viagra, isn't that what you always give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
    -------

    Why did the black guy go to sleep after a long day at work?

    Because he was slavin' away all day.
    -------

    North Korea, right now.
    ^^^ =




    Tazer

    Leave a comment:

  • Tazer
    That Evil, Yellow Bastiche

  • Tazer
    replied
    Yo.

    Why did Jared vote for gore in the 2000 election?

    Jared doesn't care for bush.
    ------

    Donald Trump was having dinner in a restaurant on the campaign trail. Nature eventually called so he politely excused himself from the table and headed to the men's room. He was standing at the urinal when a tall African American man named Bubba came in and stood at the urinal next to Trump. Bubba fished a huge dick out of his pants and started taking a long satisfying piss. Trump looked over at Bubba's huge equipment and said "Damn, Bubba. How did you get your dick to be so big?" Bubba said "Well, Mr. Trump, every night before I go to bed I whack it on the bedpost three times and it grows bigger each time." Trump thanked Bubba for the tip and put his tiny pecker back into his own pants and headed back to his table.

    Later than night, Trump was in his bedroom and his wife Melania was half asleep in the bed. Trump looked around the room to make sure nobody was looking then he pulled his dick out and whacked it on the bedpost three times.

    Whack! Whack! Whack!

    And Melania said "BUBBA HONEY! IS THAT YOU??"
    -------

    I only eat beef raised on marijuana...

    I like it when the steaks are high.
    -------

    What did the doctor say to the midget in a turban?

    You're a little Sikh.
    -------

    Mrs. Swanson declined to serve on the jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment and didn’t want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial.

    “But, Madam,” said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her kind face and calm demeanor, “this is not a murder trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband. He gambled away the fifteen thousand dollars he’d promised to spend on a chinchilla coat for her birthday.”

    “Hmmm,” reflected Mrs. Swanson. “Okay, I’ll serve, I could be wrong about capital punishment.”



    Tazer

    Leave a comment:

  • TazzMission
    Guardian of the Universe

  • TazzMission
    replied
    What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

    Christopher Walken.


    .................................................. .................................................. ...................


    A man goes into a library and asks for Christopher Reeve's autobiography

    The librarian says; "We don't have that anymore, the spine was broken."

    Leave a comment:

  • Tazer
    That Evil, Yellow Bastiche

  • Tazer
    replied
    Yo.

    Why did 10 die?

    He was in the middle of 9/11.
    ---------

    Jesus is at the last supper with his disciples, and at the last supper He takes the bread, blesses it, and says:

    "Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

    He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

    "Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

    Finally, He picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says:

    "You can fuck right off."
    ----------

    A young man finds the perfect girl from his small village for marriage.
    He asks his father for his blessings, but the father tells him that he was screwing around in his youth, and that the girl he wants to marry is in fact his sister.

    The young man devastated but still wanting to get married suggests his next door neighbor's daughter. The father tells him with apologetic tone that she is also his sister.

    The young man storms out crying and finds his mother outside. She asks him what's up and he tells her the story. She tells him with her motherly soft voice: "Son, go marry any girl you want, that man is not your father".
    ------------

    Why can't americans play pool billard?

    They always shoot the black ones first.



    Tazer
    Tazer
    That Evil, Yellow Bastiche
    Last edited by Tazer; 08-17-2015, 05:14 PM.

    Leave a comment:

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