the Joke thread.......

[Tazer]

Yo.

19 and 20 had a fight.

21.

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1 1 was a race horse.
2 2 was one, too.
1 1 won one race.
2 2 won one, too.

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I burned 1000 calories today...

Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.

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"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." -That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." -That's a French toast.

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A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

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My favorite sex position is the JFK...

I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Tazer

[Tazer]

Yo.

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

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What do dead kids and jokes about dead kids have in common?

They never get old.

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Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time?

Because the signs say "No trespassing"

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Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

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A guy gets on a bus with a pocket full of golf balls...

He sits down next to a blonde who keeps looking at his pants.

After a few minutes of noticing she can't take her eyes off him, he looks at her and says "golf balls."

"What?" The blonde replies.

"It's golf balls," the man responds.

"Oh," says the blonde. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Tazer

[Tazer]

Yo.

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.

“At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!”

The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.

“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

“Yes it is,” bartender answers.

“Do you have huge golden doors?”

“Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?”

“Most certainly do.”

“What about golden urinals?”

There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”

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I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

Apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

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So, I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a “Muslim Book Store.”

I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?”

The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!”

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?

Tazer

[Tazer]

Yo.

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"

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Police report: There was a robbery in the sex shop.

Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time

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A magician was driving down the road when suddenly...

He turned into a driveway!

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What did one gay sperm say to the other?

How do you find an egg in all this shit?

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Two jews are walking past an evangelical church. When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000"

Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these goyim out of ten grand!"

"Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get sucked in and you lose your faith?!"

"Don't worry, Strausman. Once a Jew always a Jew. I'll say I am found, I'll do the dunking thing, I'll accept Jesus, badabing badaboom, and Ill walk out with $10,000!"

So Goldberg goes in and an hour later walks out to a worried Strausman. "So? Did you get the ten grand?"

"You jews, all you think about is money!"

Tazer

[Tazer]

Yo.

One day little Jimmy hears that girls have a vagina. Knowing that it's different than his equipment, he goes to see his wise father.

"Daddy," little Jimmy starts, "what's a vagina look like?"

"Well son..." his father pauses thinking, "before sex, it looks like a beautiful unopened flower"

Jimmy absorbs this knowledge thinking of the tulip buds in his mother's garden, then asks "then what does it look like after sex, daddy?"

His father looks at him and says, "well son, then it resembles a bulldog eating mayonnaise."

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A detective arrives at the scene of a crime. The area has already been sectioned off and the officers are making sure things are in order for the investigative team.

As the detective approaches the face down body, he notices the stark black hair of who could only be James White the owner of the local diner in the area.

"That's Mr White from down the street, am I right?" The detective says.

The officer motions to the side where they could see clearly that the victim was the Chinese dishwasher at the same diner.

The officer says "That's not White, it's dead Wong."

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There was a black woman who won the Miss America Pageant, what state was she from?

I-da-hoe

Tazer

[Tazer]

Yo.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the "Fresh Prints".

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In the outskirts of Chicago there is a carnival every year. One of the attractions is a small plane and for $10 you can go for a ride along with the pilot. Every year a man and his wife attend the carnival, and every year he asks his wife if they can go on the plane ride. She is very stubborn and responds with a quick "No." and the husband responds back "Why not?" which she responds, "Because 10 bucks is 10 bucks". So, year after year the husband attends the carnival and asks his wife if they can go for a plane ride. To no avail, her response stays the same, "Because 10 bucks is 10 bucks". The following year, the couple goes to the carnival again, and the husband asks about the plane ride once more. This time, the pilot overhears the conversation and decides to jump in. "I have heard you two argue about this plane ride for too long. I am willing to give you both a free ride on one condition." The husband is thrilled by this proposition and excitedly asks what it might be. "I'll take you both in the air for free, but you have to be silent. I don't want to hear one word out of your mouth. If hear anything I will charge you the $10 it costs to ride." Intrigued by the simple request the couple agree on the terms and head for the plane. The pilot and the couple get strapped in and he reminds them once more about their deal. The plane takes off and the husband is overjoyed. The skilled pilot begins doing barrel rolls loops and other aerobatic maneuvers. Even after all of his tricks he still hasn't heard a peep from the couple. Finally the pilot decides to land. He gets out of the plane and notices that only the husband is still in the plane. "Sir, where's your wife!?" he asks wildly confused. "Oh, she fell out after the third barrel roll." "Well, why didn't you say anything?!" "Because 10 bucks is 10 bucks."

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A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing eye dog. Immediately when he gets inside, he begins to swing the dog over his head by his leash. The bartender yells " Hey ! Stop !, WTF do you think you are doing ?" the blind man said "Just looking around."

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What do black people and Batman have in common?

Answer #1: Neither one of them get dad jokes

Answer #2: Their lives ain't complete without a little Robin.

Tazer

[TazzMission]

Q.How come Justin Bieber's hair fetched $40,000 on ebay?

A.Donald Trump is running for president and needed a more youthful looking wig!

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Q.Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

A.Because E.T. eventually went home!

[Tazer]

Yo.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

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The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

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A man is jogging along a beach when he sees a woman with no arms or legs sitting on a bench, crying.

He walks up to her and asks her if she's okay, to which she replies,

"I see all these people hugging, and I've never been hugged!"

So the man gives her a hug and then jogs off.

The next day, he's running on the same beach when he sees the same woman with no arms or legs, sobbing.

He goes up to her and asks her again if she's okay, and she responds,

"I've never been kissed before!"

So he gives her a quick kiss and then jogs off.

The next day while on his run he sees her again, still there, still crying. He approaches her and asks whats wrong, to which she hesitantly replies with,

"Well, I don't know if this is too much, but I've never been fucked either.."

So the man picks her up by the torso and chucks her into the ocean, yelling, "You're fucked now!"

Tazer

[Tazer]

Yo.

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

Tazer

[Tazer]

Yo.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.... ....... "I'm sorry," said the maître d', "you can't come in here without a Thai."

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A man sits next to a kid on a plane. The man turns to the kid and says, "Let's talk."

The kid says, "sure, about what?"

The man, teasingly, says, "nuclear power."

The kid says, "sure, but first, let's talk deer, cows and horses. They all eat grass, but the deer drops pellets, the cow does patties, and the horse produces clumps. Do you know why?"

The man is stumped. "No", he says.

The kid replies, " do you really think we should talk about nuclear power when you don't know shit!?"

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Guy is riding a camel through the desert for several months and gets horny so he decides he'll try and have sex with his camel, so he gets off his camel and gets behind it. As he's pulling his pants down the camel turns around and looks at him. He thinks, "What am I doing? I can't do this with my camel looking at me!" So he pulls up his pants and continues his journey. Another month passes and again he feels horny, so he tries again. He climbs off the camel and gets behind it. Again, the camel looks at him. Again he says "I can't do it with the camel looking at me." So, he continues his journey. Then on his journey he sees two criminals trying to rape a woman in the desert, he takes out his sword and kills the criminals. The woman says, "thank you so much for saving me in return I will do anything you want." The man thinks and says, "Well, there is one thing, could you hold my camel's head?"

Tazer

[TazzMission]

I took my daughter down to the doctor's this morning because she's been poorly.

The doctor said to her, "Are you okay stripping off in front of your dad?"

She said, "I don't think he brought any music with him."

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Q: What do you call a stripper with her hand down her undies?

A: Self Employed!

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A Catholic couple is about to get married, and the woman sits the man down for a heart-to-heart the day before the wedding. She says, "Honey, before we do this, I have something I need to get off my chest. You see, a few years back, my family was very poor, and for a while I had to work as a prostitute."
The man leaps out of his chair and shouts, "Oh no, absolutely not! I can't get married to you!"
The woman starts crying, and begs him to forgive her, "Please don't leave me - surely you can live with a woman who used to be a bit of a whore..."
The man sits down and says, "Oh, that's fine. For a minute I thought you said Protestant."

[Tazer]

Yo.

So, a man walks into a bar...

...and he gets a bruise on his head.

Tazer

[Tazer]

Yo.

A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. In a desperate hope to solve the problem, the Zoo Keeper approached a local redneck, Bobby Lee with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.”

Never Marry A Tennis Player

Love means nothing to them.

What do you call a group of eight cowards?

Octopussies.

What's black and does not work?

Decaf Coffee

Bob and Harry are fishing one day....

Bob.... "How's your wife been?"

Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?"

Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."

Tazer

[Tazer]

Yo.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

"Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

A man parks his car on the street and goes into a shop. When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in the driver's side window:

“I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this Tuesday evening.”

So the man and his wife go to the concert Tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: “So, did you like the concert?”

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW!!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore!!!!

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie, and he decides to take it home & try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son.

Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda

The robot slaps the son again.

Son: Ok! It was a porno.

Dad: What!? When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was.

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. He is your son after all!

The robot slaps the mom.

Tazer

[Tazer]

Yo.

What's a redneck's favorite dating website?

Ancestry.com

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I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name

He was like, "No way!", and I was like "Yahweh..."

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What is the one type of person that will never get angry?

A nomad.

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A Mexican magician says he will dissappear on the count of three.

Uno... Dos... poof

He's disappeared...

Without a tres.

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I broke up with my gym.

We were just not working out.

Tazer