Hi guys. Some of you might remember me talking about this girl in my maths class who I liked a while back? Well now for the last two months or so (can't believe it's been that long) I've finished school permanently. I haven't seen her since of course and even on the last half term (which for me was 2 weeks long) I didn't talk to her at all as she was in none of my maths or art classes. I saw her twice though, both of which I knew could be the last time I ever saw her. One was outside after my first maths exam, I was with a group of mates talking about the exam and she was with her boyfriend nearby but we didn't talk, and the other was on the very last day ever when we all had to do a year group photo and I saw the back of her for a few seconds, realising it would be the last time I ever saw her and I was thankful to see her again. By the last fortnight I thought my crush was ending anyway, probably triggered by the fact I hadn't spoken to her for a long time. Plus there were other girls I liked the look of. But lately I've been dreaming about her a lot. Firstly she was just in my dreams, almost like a weird warped day at school or something. But then for the last few nights, I keep dreaming that she's dead and shouting/crying angrily to another girl about it. It happened last night (although probably this morning actually, I have many lie-ins), and a couple of nights before, but it's probably happened more. This September, I'm going to a new college to do Art and Design, but my old school was also a college and I could have stayed on there, but I decided not to as the school/college was going downhill fast due to the new headmistress and one of the favourite teachers was leaving, plus the courses weren't quite right. But lately I've been doubting a tiny bit about this new place, but I felt a certain amount of "loss" to a degree previous time I've moved year groups and such (only in my latest school though) so I've decided that it'll be the same here plus the course seems like it'll be a good bit of fun and I'll probably meet a couple of new bros, plus some old mates are coming here too (ironically including my crushes boyfriend). I looked up death dreams this morning and I came to the conclusion the death of my crush (which I never see or know how she died, I just know she died and I proclaim "I loved her" angrily) and these death dreams mean sometimes that the death represents the death of an old way of life which is certainly true. What else exaggerates this is that I also keep dreaming about schools, sometimes my latest one, often my middle school (which I hated but for some reason I seem to keep thinking about it in my dreams) and last night even my primary school. So I'm probably mourning the loss of my old life and will be entering a new life. The thing that I miss really is all the mates and laughs I've had over the years. There were two years in my middle school which were a living hell and have no sentimental attachment at all to, but my past three years in upper school looking back on it were alright and pretty much every day there was something to laugh about (sure there were shit times but not as many as the other schools). But what is clear that I am missing the most is my crush. I wasn't and still not entirely sure whether I was in love with her or obsessed with her IE being in love with the idea of being in love with her. But either way there's something I am in love with which I will never see again. I never even told her how I feel about her, I knew that if I was ever going to it'd probably be on the last week or two at school, the weeks which she was never in any of my classes.
But anyway, I'm not at all sure how to recover from this, I can't stop thinking about her again, and it's stupid because I haven't seen her in about ten to twelve weeks, I'll probably never see her again. Mad isn't it? I really don't know what to do, how do I get over this? My life right now is empty because I don't really socialise or anything, I just stay at home on the laptop. So there' not really anything to take my mind of the darker things in my life. My dreams used to be my sanctuary from real life but now they're becoming worse than real life. I can't stop feeling how I do about her, I thought I stopped a while back but now she's n my mind all the time, or at least on my mind permanently when I'm asleep. Please guys, do you have any advice to give me?
But anyway, I'm not at all sure how to recover from this, I can't stop thinking about her again, and it's stupid because I haven't seen her in about ten to twelve weeks, I'll probably never see her again. Mad isn't it? I really don't know what to do, how do I get over this? My life right now is empty because I don't really socialise or anything, I just stay at home on the laptop. So there' not really anything to take my mind of the darker things in my life. My dreams used to be my sanctuary from real life but now they're becoming worse than real life. I can't stop feeling how I do about her, I thought I stopped a while back but now she's n my mind all the time, or at least on my mind permanently when I'm asleep. Please guys, do you have any advice to give me?
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