The Superhero Diaries: Green Lantern!

[Jack T. Chance Really knows where his towel is! Find all posts View Profile Close Jack T. Chance]

Just found this today... too funny!

WARNING! DO NOT CLICK THE LINK IF YOU HAVEN'T READ GREEN LANTERN (CURRENT SERIES) # 27!!! THIS LINK CONTAINS PLOT SPOILERS!!!!!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!

The Superhero Diaries: Green Lantern

[Guest Close zebra3]

"Bootilicious and the rest of the Buzzkill Corps went off for a couple hours, and when they came back, they all looked like they'd had a half-dozen facelifts apiece. My first thought was, "I'll have to hit it from the back," but then Boodikka's face PEELS BACK FROM HER HEAD and it looks like someone just popped the hood of a '96 Mustang."

Pretty good!

[Guest Close Myth]

So awesome!

[Jack T. Chance Really knows where his towel is! Find all posts View Profile Close Jack T. Chance]

Glad you 2 enjoyed it!

[Maverick_GL Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Maverick_GL]

My first thought was, "I'll have to hit it from the back," but then Boodikka's face PEELS BACK FROM HER HEAD and it looks like someone just popped the hood of a '96 Mustang.

YES!! Best quote EVER!


96 Stang:

[Jack T. Chance Really knows where his towel is! Find all posts View Profile Close Jack T. Chance]

YES!! Best quote EVER!

Me when I read that -->

[Fearless Agent Orange Find all posts View Profile Close Fearless]

Now the Lame-o Brigade is ruining everything, and I don't just mean that because they're ugly. According to a letter I received about an hour ago, the following are unacceptable uses of my ring: tapping a keg; Beer Pong; vandalism; decrypting pay-per-view porn channels; wiping my ass; Titty Twisters and other miscellaneous acts of vengeance; changing the oil in my car; making sure Duke doesn't cover the spread; creating an army of naked green women in a variety of ethnicities who are life-sized, anatomically correct and slutty… the list just goes on and on. I can't describe how bored I am right now.

AHAHAHAHA! OH MY GOD! THAT IS THE BEST SHIT EVER!

[Fearless Agent Orange Find all posts View Profile Close Fearless]

Updated version based on Final Crisis: Rage of the Red Lanterns

The following Superhero Diary is based on events in Final Crisis: Rise of the Red Lanterns, along with recent issues of Green Lantern, all written by Geoff Johns. Centuries from now, scholars will debate whether Geoff Johns actually existed, or whether he was a fictional persona credited with the works of several artists.

Author: Hal “-lelujah!” Jordan

Mood: Exhausted

Listening to: Pink Floyd

Morning, readers! Listen, I feel like I owe you guys an apology. I know it’s been a while since I wrote, and I feel bad about that; I do. The thing is, I don’t really do “apologies.” If I did, there’d be a whole lot of ladies lined up for them, and like I tell them: there may be a whole lot of Hal to go around, but it’s a really big universe I gotta give it to.

There are a lot of people out there who wish I could focus a little more; settle down. Like my bosses – the cosmically powered dwarfs known as the Guardians of the Universe – who are always like, “Hal, why can’t you just protect your own little sector of space, like you’re supposed to?” I mean, they say it differently than that – they go on about “shirking my duties” and “responsibility blah blah blah.” It just sounds to me like they’re saying, “Hal, why can’t you get married to this one tiny sector of space? Isn’t it good to you? Why do you have to go off and party with all those other sectors of space?” Because I like to party; that’s why. They might as well ask me why I can’t be less awesome, or why Arnold Schwarzenegger couldn’t have just said, “Sorry, unidentified Central American country – I’d love to help you with your Predator problem, but I only handle NORTH America. Still, let me know if he starts heading towards Texas, if there are any of you left with your skins on. Later!”

Sorry – I sort of went off track there for a second, and if I’m going to tell you guys about the crazy week I’ve been having, I need to get started. First, a bit of background: for a long time, the Green Lanterns had a monopoly when it came to colored-light-based power in the universe. There were always a couple outliers – like my old mentor-turned-archenemy Sinestro, who had a yellow light ring, and Star Sapphire, this jewel that used to possess women, bestowing them with two powers: the ability to shoot pink light, and a desire to be on my “Jordans.” (Get it? Like the shoe, but I was really talking about my nuts!) For a long time the Sapphire possessed my on-again, off-again girlfriend Carol, and those were some interesting evenings right there, filled with bright green sex harnesses and blazing pink dildos in shapes they won’t even sell in Germany. The Sapphire is gone now, and even though there’s a little less luster to our sex life, Carol and I are still doing good. I just wish she wouldn’t get so pissed when we’re in bed and I say “Well, Star Sapphire used to let me do that!”

Anyway, about a year ago, a whole bunch of “Yellow Lanterns” showed up calling themselves “The Sinestro Corps.”

According to the Sinestros, their yellow rings work on fear, but that doesn’t make sense to me: I mean, green rings work on “willpower” (aka, balls) and so if someone (me) is the best Green Lantern, it’s because they have the most (biggest; brassiest) willpower (balls).

They should say that their rings are powered by their scariness, or, even more to the point, by being total douchebags, because if the Sinestro Corps really was powered by fear, that would mean they’re a big corps of pussies.



Then Star Sapphire also got her own corps, totally comprised of women. (Talk about a corps full of pussies! Zing! Oh, man, John Stewart’s going to love that one.) Their violet rings are powered by Love… and sleepovers, pillowfights and hot girl-on-girl action. Let me tell you, there were a whole lot of big green hands high-fiving each other on Oa when we found out about these ladies. I do have one concern though: you’ll notice their rings aren’t powered by Bi-Curious Experimentation or Drunkenness – they’re powered by “Love.” I just hope it’s the “I’m at Burning Man and I’ve taken twelve hits of Ecstacy and ohmygod that guy in the mask and tights makes green light!” kind of love and not the, “I’m in my thirties and I need to get married soon and Hal where are you going” kind. I’d hate to have lots of super-powered ladies pissed at me after dialing my “special” phone number: 1-800-HAL-GONE.

I also have to ask: who do I have to sleep with to get a Corps named after me? (Because I’m willing to do whatever it takes, provided it complies with my “No Dudes Allowed” policy.) Can you imagine how sweet it would be if people could join the Hal Corps?!? Our sacred mission: to make the universe more rad. The source of our power: Partying. Then we’d fill our ranks with tons of hot chicks, unlike the Sinestro Corps (total hags.) You know what? For the rest of this post, I’m referring to the Green Lanterns as “The Hal Corps.”

I thought we were set with the three Lantern Corps, but apparently this is all part of some prophecy about a “war of light.” Well, from the look of things, it’s time to taste the rainbow!

A couple days ago, a few other Lanterns and I were sent on a mission to take Sinestro back to his home planet, where he was to be tried and executed. I had a feeling this was going to go bad – am I the only one who’s seen Con Air? Sure enough, halfway there we were ambushed by a bunch of members of the Sinestro Corps. In the fight we lost this one Lantern I always liked. I could never remember his name, but I used to call him Muppet cause he had a furry head. (Before you start thinking that’s really rude of me, you should know that there are thousands of Lanterns, and they all know who I am. So when they see me and say, ‘Hey Hal,’ I have to make up a nickname for them, like “Birdbeak” or “Elf-Looking Chick.” Half of these interactions occur in my bed.) Once I post this I’m going to crack open a forty and pour some out for good ol’ Muppet.

Anyway, the other members of the Hal Corps and I were taking care of the Sinestros, when this cat showed up. That probably sounds weird to most of you guys, but when you hang out in space, you see weird stuff. Half the species out there look like something you would either eat or hump, and if you don’t learn to just accept things you’ll never stop giggling. So when I saw a cat in space wearing a red Lantern costume, I wouldn’t have thought much of it except that I hate cats. But this one Sinestro Corps guy was like, “Hey, Kitty, what’s up?” and then the kitty SPAT BLOODY FIRE AND BLASTED HIS HEAD OFF. I thought I was having a, shall we say, “Burning Man” flashback, but then I heard John screaming, “That was the most f--ked up thing I’ve seen, and I’ve been to ‘Nam!” and I knew I wasn’t hallucinating. This is why I hate cats.

Suddenly there were Red Corps members all over the place, and they were killing Green and Yellow alike. I even saw this girl I knew from the Hal Corps, Laira, who was kicked off for killing a dude and now was with the red team. Still, I figured we’d be cool because we had history. So I went over to her to say what’s up and let her know that the red made her legs look- AND THEN SHE SPAT BLOODY FIRE ON ME! (Since then I’ve found out that the Red Lanterns are powered by Rage. Let’s see, filled with rage, spewing blood… yeah, the other Earth Lanterns and I have been making “Menstrual Corps” jokes for like three days straight.)

I guess I blacked out when Laira hit me with her Aunt Flo’ powers, because when I came to, the Red Lanterns were gone, and they had taken Sinestro with them, though I wasn’t focused on that, because I was ON FIRE. IN SPACE. FROM FIREY PERIOD-PUNCH. But before I could die, I was suddenly covered in this blue light. It made me feel all warm inside, just like beer, and I heard a voice behind me say that everything would be alright.

Bet you can’t guess what it was! Wait - did you guess, “Yet another color of Lantern Corps?” Oh. Well, you’re right. It was a Blue Lantern, who I’ve nicknamed “Baseball” cause his face is white and looks like it has stitches in it. The Blue Corps is the corps of Hope, and as for Baseball… I know it’s wrong to say this about someone who saved your life, but he’s a little annoying. He’s just too damned happy. Everything’s all hope and wonderfulness and butterflies. He’ll say stuff, “C’mon guys! We have to go rescue Sinestro! It’s going to be super!” So far, the Blue Corps might as well be called the Hari Krishna Corps. Still, he does recharge our rings for us, so we’ll keep him around.

Then things got even crazier. I’ll save that for next time, but let’s just say it’s not just the ladies that want a piece of Hal Jordan; I’ve got the whole galactic rainbow after my goodness. I just hope there aren’t too many more of them. I mean, the way I figure it, we’ve still got Orange and Indigo – whatever color that is –before we fill out all the colors of the rainbow. But how do I know the universe isn’t going to stop there? For all I know, the Universe might be using the big box of crayons, though they’ll need some pretty obscure emotions to power them. Look – up in the sky! It’s the Burnt Sienna Corps, powered by that feeling of relief that you get when you realize you didn’t forget your wallet at home! We’re saved!

Laterz for now,

-Big Hal

http://www.craveonline.com/entertain...-lantern-74865

[JohnnyV Pictionary Master Find all posts View Profile Close JohnnyV]

ha, classic

"So as I was saying, yesterday I was hanging out at the precinct. It was me and John Stewart – not the Daily Show guy, but another one of the Green Lanterns from Earth. FYI: he's black, but before you think that automatically makes him the Danny Glover to my Mel Gibson, you should know that he gets pissed when I ask him to say, "I'm getting too old for this shit." Anyway, we were having a cup of coffee when the giant green shit hit the giant green fan."

[Guest Close Duskdog]

But if this is Hal's diary, I'd hate to see what Guy's is like!

[Fearless Agent Orange Find all posts View Profile Close Fearless]

Too explicit for the internet.

[Mycroft unable to translate Find all posts View Profile Close Mycroft]

good shit

[Fearless Agent Orange Find all posts View Profile Close Fearless]

Latest installment...

This episode of the Superhero Diaries was brought to you by the Blackest Night series, by Geoff Johns, who is basically the Kaiser Soze of the DC Universe.

Author: Hal "It Ain't Easy Being Green" Jordan
Mood: Tired
Listening To: Stevie Wonder, Superstitious

When you're me, you get to see some pretty awesome stuff on a day to day basis. Sometimes, it's hard to maintain perspective. When one of my non-hero buddies has something cool to tell me about, it's hard not to get bored. Really? You got a new job? I saved the planet. You got some chicks number? I banged a martian. Sorry: it's just how I roll.

So when I say I have big news, I have big news. This week, a bunch of my friends came back from the dead. In fact, a lot of people in general came back from the dead, so whoever you are, you might want to take a run by your local cemetery; Nana may be looking for you. (I bet dead people party HARD when they come back to life. Like, how sweet would it be if Elvis came back to life??? And if Marilyn Monroe is back, DIBS.)

Here's how it all went down:

For the past few months, strange things have been happening to the Green Lanterns. We've had a monopoly on color-based power in the universe for millennia, but that changed a few years ago when my old enemy Sinestro, an ex-Green Lantern himself, created his own Corps. They're yellow, and their powers are based on fear. Easy enough. Green: good. Yellow: bad. But then there was a pink corps - excuse me, violet. (Apparently they don't like to be called "pink", because it reminds people of vagina. Way to be, Gloria Steinem Corps. And yet they wear one-piece swimsuits. Chicks, amiright?) The violet corps happens to include my ex-girlfriend, Carol, and is powered by love. Again, I was good with this. Green: good. Yellow: dicks. Pink: horny.

Then all of a sudden it was like anyone with a Crayon and a feeling got a power ring. Next it was a Red Corps, who vomited blood... which was also like fire... and while they could kinda form shapes out of it, it was mostly just vomit/blood/fire. It was nasty. They were the Angry Corps or something, and at this point, I stopped paying attention. The next thing I knew there was a Greed Corps, a Hope Corps and a Compassion Corps. I know what you're thinking: that the Compassion Corps had to be the weakest thing ever. Sweet - an army of the universe's therapists! They were badass, though, because they could use any other Corps' power. (The downside: they wore loincloths. Because nothing says "I understand what you're going through" like having your junk readily at hand. Whatever, though - I do crunches. I could have pulled it off.)

The reason for all the corps was that the universe was leading up a big war that we're now calling the "Blackest Night." That's a reference to this rhyme we say whenever we charge our rings, which goes: "In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape our sight..." yada yada yada. To be honest, I never really thought about the words. I don't save the world by talking - I save it with action.

I wish someone had told us a little more about that "Blackest Night" bit. I always assumed it was a drinking thing. Like, "John Stewart and I went out for Irish Car Bombs last night. It was the Blackest Night ever. I woke up in Thailand." It made sense, because the day after always feels like the BRIGHTEST DAY ever, right? I just thought the oath was saying, "no matter how bad my hangover, I'm still on your ass, evil."

In fact, the rhyme should have started, "In brightest day, in NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, evil will never sleep in my bed." (Obviously the rhyme is a work in progress.) Then I would have known that we were talking about zombies.

For the record, it's not the resurrection stuff that weirds me out. Heroes die and come back all the time. Superman, Flash, Wonder Woman, Green Arrow... a whole bunch of us. Even I died once - just to check it out. (You know the scene in Goodfellas where Henry gets out of prison and Paulie shouts, "You popped your cherry!" and they throw him a party? We do the same thing when someone comes back to life.)
Hal Jordan Green Lantern

Everyone has their own theories as to why we came back. Flash thought he "outran" death. Superman thought that the universe's was rewarding him for a job well done. (He used to be a Boy Scout, so everything is some kind of merit badge.) For me, I always imagined life was like some smokin' hot chick. We got along for a while, but sooner or later I had to move on. I gotta be me, y'know? I can't be tied down - not even to breathing. But then Life was like, "Please, Hal, give me another chance," and I tapped it one more time.

These weren't people who had come back to life. They were zombies - part of a Black Lantern Corps. (What are we up to now? Ten? Twelve? Baker's Dozen? I don't know what the plural of 'corps' is, but I'm going to need that.) They looked like zombies are supposed to, except in the movies, zombies shuffle around and just mumble "brains." These zombies had power rings, they flew, and they talked smack while they were ripping your friend's heart right out of his chest. Just in case zombies weren't scary enough, these zombies had to be total d-bags, too.

The Black Lanterns were trying to kill some alien who lived in the center of the Earth called the Entity, which would have somehow ended life across the universe. (When you're in outer space and some guy in a loincloth tells you this stuff, you don't ask questions.) We beat them, of course. All of the different Corps'seses had to band together, along with - surprise, surprise - yet another corps (white, this time.) Some people died, which always blows, but at the same time, a whole bunch of dead people came back to life for good. Not to sound like a dick, but it was pretty much a draw, all things considered.

Obviously we're happy to have everyone back. We thought we would never see them again. But in a way, that's also the problem: we thought we would never see them again. We gave Martian Manhunter's room on the JLA satellite to Donna Troy, and it's covered in glitter now. I heard that a few months ago Aquaman's wife, Mera, hooked up with Plastic Man. For all the partying, all these people coming back means there's going to be a lot of awkward conversations in the coming weeks. In other words, keep your eyes peeled for the inevitable Regret Corps. (Any guesses on color? I say Aquamarine.)

One last story, real quick: After everything was all over, we went out to a bar to talk about it, swap stories, that sort of thing. While we're there, John Stewart gives me this look. He and I have worked together for a long time, so I just knew what he wanted me to do. I wait for a quiet moment and I say, "Y'know, this really goes to show you how when people of all different colors come together we can really accomplish something." That's when John cut me off with, "Shut your cracker-ass face!" and went on this ten minute rant about how the universe was racist, because why did the Black Lantern corps have to be evil but the White Lantern corps was good. John's the best - the look on Superman's face was pure comic gold. He was pissed when he realized we were just joking around, but whatever. The guy can take a tank round to the face and not even blink, but any kind of social tension and he goes to pieces. Once, Oracle almost got him to change his name to "Superperson", because she told him that Superman was sexist.

See you guys around, and "You're Welcome" for saving all your lives,

- Big Hal

http://www.craveonline.com/entertain...lantern-103645

[Guest Close Shingo Wol]

x 5000.

[Guest Close lokeinlyesmith]

But then Life was like, "Please, Hal, give me another chance," and I tapped it one more time.



Fucking. Epic.