Last film you saw, vol. 6

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The Dawning (1988)

"Nostalgia is a disease."

In 1920 Ireland, a landed orphan girl living with her aunt turns 18 and happens to come across an IRA leader returning home (Hopkins).

North by Northwest (1959)

"I don't like the way Teddy Roosevelt is looking at me."

The Hitchcock classic (which I've seen before, but only recently bought) turned 60 today.

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Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)

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Watching Fourth-of-July-appropriate movies today:

Uncle Sam (1996)

"The way you shoot, you should get a job working at the post office."

Independence Day (1996)

"Forget the fat lady. You're obsessed with fat lady."

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Far from home. A lot of fun, great performances by a lot of super likable actors and actresses. But you really should have seen at least Civil War Homecoming, Infinity War and Endgame, better yet also Iron Man 1 and Captain Marvel. This movie doesn't kid around and really throws you into the deep end. Gyllenhaal is fantastic. And as always, stay for the mid-credits scene and the post-credits scene. Both are gamechangers.

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Jaws (1975)

"Here's to swimming with bow-legged women."

Far from home. A lot of fun, great performances by a lot of super likable actors and actresses. But you really should have seen at least Civil War Homecoming, Infinity War and Endgame, better yet also Iron Man 1 and Captain Marvel. This movie doesn't kid around and really throws you into the deep end. Gyllenhaal is fantastic. And as always, stay for the mid-credits scene and the post-credits scene. Both are gamechangers.

I watched Homecoming before Civil War, but still liked it. I was kind of thinking of seeing this before I get to Captain Marvel or Endgame (which I'm waiting to hit Netflix), but then again, I don't care about spoilers for those movies.

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My review of Yesterday.

https://www.dailyuv.com/profile/2232/981131

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Six-String Samurai (1998)

"You come all this way out saying squat and now you're trying to tell me that a '56 Chevy could beat a '48 Buick in a dead quarter mile? I liked you better when you weren't saying squat kid. Go to bed."

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...I haven't seen that since I caught it on TV back when I was in high school.

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Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris (1999)

"Service to the Kyoto station has been suspended due to the sighting of a giant monster."

Lion (2016)

"I'm not from Calcutta. I'm lost."

Heard about this based-on-real-life story when it came out and again during its Oscar buzz, but only got to it now. It was very good/moving.

...I haven't seen [Six-String Samurai] since I caught it on TV back when I was in high school.

I only found out it existed recently. It's a cool concept and it has a good style (I love rockabilly), but they could've done more with it. I'm curious if the makers of Fallout (which I haven't played) were influenced by it since the concept is being in the desert of an America that was nuked in the 50s.

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My review of Spider-Man: Far From Home.

https://www.dailyuv.com/profile/2232/981174

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The Mummy's Ghost (1944)

"Sounds like apple sauce to me."

Turned 75 today. Still think it has one of the most underrated beautiful leading ladies. Probably my favorite of the Mummy sequels.

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Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

"If brains were bird shit, you'd have a clean cage!"

My one boss told me he saw on Facebook a film clip about this dude taking a gunman out with a razor-edged Frisbee, and earlier tonight I decided to watch this film. After a while I suspected my boss had caught the scene from this flick, so I checked YouTube and saw I was right (busted a gut when I realized the coincidence of it all).

I should have started with Malibu Express, which is the first in my Andy Sidaris B-film collection, but whatever. Here's what happens in the film:

Drug lord and other crime boss plan to smuggle in drugs to Hawaii and finance their operation using diamonds. Two women (from Malibu Express) are now working for a cargo company and accidentally transport a super-dangerous snake instead of a harmless one. Said women accidentally intercept the diamonds and barely escape the thugs, heading home to figure out what the hell happened (yes, they take the snake with them even though they were told to give it to a wildlife group).

Thugs attack women at home to recover diamonds, have to run and drug lord is shot in the face as he gets away. Snake escapes and starts marauding countryside.

Two hunk boyfriends are called in by agency to provide backup to crack the case. When they arrive, they're targeted by the two thugs who lost the diamonds in the beginning. One thug is riding a skateboard down the street while doing a handstand, then hops in the back of second thug's car, they speed ahead, first thug gets back on skateboard with a sawn-off double-barrel and a blowup doll and tries to take out hunks. He barely wounds the driver before he's rammed with their Jeep, which sends him flying into the air. Second hunk then pulls out a quad-barrel rocket launcher, blows the dude up, then blows up the sex doll.

Woman-owner of popular bar (who's a partner of the two women agents) is kidnapped by her crossdresser bartender (who is secretly working for the drug lord) and tortured by a half-naked martial artist femme fatale (but we only see her posing and no torture is shown).

Four agents make plans to storm drug lord's house, but first two of them watch a film and confirm that one of the men they're after for a murder is there (his name is Shades because he wears sunglasses, they have a file on him). Those two then have really loud sex. Shades is killed shortly afterwards when Speedo Hunk uses a razor Frisbee on him.

The agents storm the compound, which involves three riding in a Jeep and plowing through the flimsy front gate while Dona Speir is riding in an airborne go-kart tossing grenades everywhere. Speedo Hunk gets into a shootout from 10 feet away, missing all shots, while Karate Hunk one-shots the first enemy.

Karate Hunk takes the quad-launcher and walks backwards into a room where another thug is standing in plain sight, momentarily being taken hostage before Speedo Hunk ambushes thug, BUT WAIT! Karate Hunk insists on a fist fight, which evolves into him using razor-tipped hand pads to slash his enemy to death. Oh, and he starts their duel with the immortal words, "Life's a bitch, and then you die!"

Speedo Hunk finds the kidnapped owner and hides behind a sofa from fully automatic gunfire from less than 10 feet away, and using his quad he blows the enemy gunman out the window.

Everyone then chases the fat thug from earlier and the almost-femme fatale to a helicopter, at which time Dona Speir uses the quad to end the day. She goes back home while the others ride separately, and during their ride they realize the drug lord is missing. Speedo Hunk rides a dirt bike out the back of the van in a gratuitous money shot as he races to get to Speir.

Speir is attacked by the drug lord and hides in a closet, which forces him to use his switchblade knife to methodically hack away at the thin wooden slats so that he can stick his hand in and open the door, because he isn't strong enough to just smash through. She then shoots him in the shoulder with a spear gun.

He passes out for five seconds and then attacks again, forcing Speir to grab his wrist and then grab the knife blade and physically force him to stab himself in the gut. He's basically bleeding to death so she hides in the bathroom, but the snake comes out of the toilet. She runs back out and hides behind the bed, while the drug lord gets up and makes for the bathroom. Snake bites him and he finally dies.

Speir grabs the tiniest non-Derringer handgun I've ever seen and shoots the snake twice in the mouth, but the chunks of drug lord face-flesh lodged in its fangs prevent the bullets from doing any harm. Speedo Hunk then smashes in through the wall of her house on his dirt bike in a perfect imitation of the official music video for Killed By Death from the band Motorhead, and uses his quad-launcher to blow the snake's head off.

The gang then heads to the other crime lord's office to take him in or take him out, but he resists, grabbing a katana off his wall. Speedo Hunk and Speir pull guns out (he has a Luger, she has a Dirty Harry), and when the guy throws his katana like a spear (missing from less than 10 feet away), they blow him away so hard he blasts out the window and falls probably 20 stories to become sidewalk pizza.

The gang then has a drink on their boat and casually talk about how they now have a shitload of pricey diamonds on hand.

The end.

This film is absolute schlock but it has some hilarious content. The intro was pure cut-rate (signs taped to boxes being carried around a warehouse), and there's enough titties here to qualify this as softcore, but you get great location shots (it was filmed in Hawaii) and it's dumb fun.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

"What the heck was that?
-Looked like sort of a big turtle, in a trench coat.
You're going to La Guardia right?"

Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987) . . . I should have started with Malibu Express, which is the first in my Andy Sidaris B-film collection, but whatever. . .

Weird, I just picked up that collection this week. I stopped reading your synopsis because I'm hoping to watch some of those when I get back from Chicago.
I had considered the set when I first saw it, but when I saw Cereal at Midnight's review (who highlighted the bazooka to the blow doll bit), I was convinced.

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Once Upon A Deadpool (2018)*



*PG-13 rated version of Deadpool 2

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)

"Mud wrestling is definitely a spectator sport."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)

"The rat is the cleanest one."