the Joke thread.......

[Tazer That Evil, Yellow Bastiche Find all posts View Profile Close Tazer]

Yo.

for all the other things we have running here, I cant believe we havent got 1 of these........anyway, heres mine to kick things off:

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together in his groin, and rolled around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him.

"Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied, still lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

Following her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside.

She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels fabulous, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Tazer

[TazzMission Guardian of the Universe Find all posts View Profile Close TazzMission]

the clintons go to a base ball game and they get the vip seats. one row behind them are the secret service guys,

the ref comes up to bill and whispers into his ear.


he thinks for a minute and grabs hillary by the neck takes and throws her off the balcony and she dies on impact.

bill returns to his seat and the same ref returns and says


mr president you misunderstood i said it was time to throw the first PITCH!

[myuserid Lantern Hex Find all posts View Profile Close myuserid]

Baseball has umps, not refs.

[Dr. Naysay Guardian of the Universe Find all posts View Profile Close Dr. Naysay]

IonFan

[Tazer That Evil, Yellow Bastiche Find all posts View Profile Close Tazer]

Yo.

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.

"Can I come in?" a male voice asks.

"Who is it?" the woman asks.

"It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door.

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway".

The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?"

and becuz I had missed a day:

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Tazer

[CYLON (13) Alpha-Lantern Find all posts View Profile Close CYLON (13)]

Heh, that last one started slow but ended pretty great.

This isn't a storied joke, but it's still funny:


Jeffrey Ross: Sexually Transmitted

Wouldn't it be great if our bodies were designed so that instead of bad things, good things could be transmitted through sex? Like skills. 'Oh baby, I'm gonna do you 'til you can juggle.' 'Oh my God, don't stop 'til I'm a carpenter, computer programming, air conditioner refrigeration, auto mechanic -- whatever the hell Sally Struthers says in that commercial.' 'How was your date last night? You get lucky?' 'I think my resume speaks for itself.'

[myuserid Lantern Hex Find all posts View Profile Close myuserid]

What's six inches long and won't be getting sucked this Valentine's?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

[TazzMission Guardian of the Universe Find all posts View Profile Close TazzMission]

What's six inches long and won't be getting sucked this Valentine's?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

[TazzMission Guardian of the Universe Find all posts View Profile Close TazzMission]

why does heller keller masturbate with one hand?


so she can MOAN with the other

[myuserid Lantern Hex Find all posts View Profile Close myuserid]

I knew you'd like that one.

[TazzMission Guardian of the Universe Find all posts View Profile Close TazzMission]

I knew you'd like that one.

im gona have to steal that

[myuserid Lantern Hex Find all posts View Profile Close myuserid]

Go ahead, I saw it on facebook.

[TazzMission Guardian of the Universe Find all posts View Profile Close TazzMission]

what does monica lewinsky and a soda machine have in common?

they both say incert bill here!

[Dr. Naysay Guardian of the Universe Find all posts View Profile Close Dr. Naysay]

Insert.

[The British Lantern Not A Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close The British Lantern]

I don't get it..