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Old 07-07-2019, 09:14 PM   #7901
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The Mummy's Ghost (1944)

"Sounds like apple sauce to me."

Turned 75 today. Still think it has one of the most underrated beautiful leading ladies. Probably my favorite of the Mummy sequels.
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Old 07-08-2019, 02:18 AM   #7902
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Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

"If brains were bird shit, you'd have a clean cage!"

My one boss told me he saw on Facebook a film clip about this dude taking a gunman out with a razor-edged Frisbee, and earlier tonight I decided to watch this film. After a while I suspected my boss had caught the scene from this flick, so I checked YouTube and saw I was right (busted a gut when I realized the coincidence of it all).

I should have started with Malibu Express, which is the first in my Andy Sidaris B-film collection, but whatever. Here's what happens in the film:

Drug lord and other crime boss plan to smuggle in drugs to Hawaii and finance their operation using diamonds. Two women (from Malibu Express) are now working for a cargo company and accidentally transport a super-dangerous snake instead of a harmless one. Said women accidentally intercept the diamonds and barely escape the thugs, heading home to figure out what the hell happened (yes, they take the snake with them even though they were told to give it to a wildlife group).

Thugs attack women at home to recover diamonds, have to run and drug lord is shot in the face as he gets away. Snake escapes and starts marauding countryside.

Two hunk boyfriends are called in by agency to provide backup to crack the case. When they arrive, they're targeted by the two thugs who lost the diamonds in the beginning. One thug is riding a skateboard down the street while doing a handstand, then hops in the back of second thug's car, they speed ahead, first thug gets back on skateboard with a sawn-off double-barrel and a blowup doll and tries to take out hunks. He barely wounds the driver before he's rammed with their Jeep, which sends him flying into the air. Second hunk then pulls out a quad-barrel rocket launcher, blows the dude up, then blows up the sex doll.

Woman-owner of popular bar (who's a partner of the two women agents) is kidnapped by her crossdresser bartender (who is secretly working for the drug lord) and tortured by a half-naked martial artist femme fatale (but we only see her posing and no torture is shown).

Four agents make plans to storm drug lord's house, but first two of them watch a film and confirm that one of the men they're after for a murder is there (his name is Shades because he wears sunglasses, they have a file on him). Those two then have really loud sex. Shades is killed shortly afterwards when Speedo Hunk uses a razor Frisbee on him.

The agents storm the compound, which involves three riding in a Jeep and plowing through the flimsy front gate while Dona Speir is riding in an airborne go-kart tossing grenades everywhere. Speedo Hunk gets into a shootout from 10 feet away, missing all shots, while Karate Hunk one-shots the first enemy.

Karate Hunk takes the quad-launcher and walks backwards into a room where another thug is standing in plain sight, momentarily being taken hostage before Speedo Hunk ambushes thug, BUT WAIT! Karate Hunk insists on a fist fight, which evolves into him using razor-tipped hand pads to slash his enemy to death. Oh, and he starts their duel with the immortal words, "Life's a bitch, and then you die!"

Speedo Hunk finds the kidnapped owner and hides behind a sofa from fully automatic gunfire from less than 10 feet away, and using his quad he blows the enemy gunman out the window.

Everyone then chases the fat thug from earlier and the almost-femme fatale to a helicopter, at which time Dona Speir uses the quad to end the day. She goes back home while the others ride separately, and during their ride they realize the drug lord is missing. Speedo Hunk rides a dirt bike out the back of the van in a gratuitous money shot as he races to get to Speir.

Speir is attacked by the drug lord and hides in a closet, which forces him to use his switchblade knife to methodically hack away at the thin wooden slats so that he can stick his hand in and open the door, because he isn't strong enough to just smash through. She then shoots him in the shoulder with a spear gun.

He passes out for five seconds and then attacks again, forcing Speir to grab his wrist and then grab the knife blade and physically force him to stab himself in the gut. He's basically bleeding to death so she hides in the bathroom, but the snake comes out of the toilet. She runs back out and hides behind the bed, while the drug lord gets up and makes for the bathroom. Snake bites him and he finally dies.

Speir grabs the tiniest non-Derringer handgun I've ever seen and shoots the snake twice in the mouth, but the chunks of drug lord face-flesh lodged in its fangs prevent the bullets from doing any harm. Speedo Hunk then smashes in through the wall of her house on his dirt bike in a perfect imitation of the official music video for Killed By Death from the band Motorhead, and uses his quad-launcher to blow the snake's head off.

The gang then heads to the other crime lord's office to take him in or take him out, but he resists, grabbing a katana off his wall. Speedo Hunk and Speir pull guns out (he has a Luger, she has a Dirty Harry), and when the guy throws his katana like a spear (missing from less than 10 feet away), they blow him away so hard he blasts out the window and falls probably 20 stories to become sidewalk pizza.

The gang then has a drink on their boat and casually talk about how they now have a shitload of pricey diamonds on hand.

The end.

This film is absolute schlock but it has some hilarious content. The intro was pure cut-rate (signs taped to boxes being carried around a warehouse), and there's enough titties here to qualify this as softcore, but you get great location shots (it was filmed in Hawaii) and it's dumb fun.
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Old 07-08-2019, 03:01 AM   #7903
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

"What the heck was that?
-Looked like sort of a big turtle, in a trench coat.
You're going to La Guardia right?"

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Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987) . . . I should have started with Malibu Express, which is the first in my Andy Sidaris B-film collection, but whatever. . .
Weird, I just picked up that collection this week. I stopped reading your synopsis because I'm hoping to watch some of those when I get back from Chicago.
I had considered the set when I first saw it, but when I saw Cereal at Midnight's review (who highlighted the bazooka to the blow doll bit), I was convinced.

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Old 07-08-2019, 05:17 AM   #7904
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Once Upon A Deadpool (2018)*



*PG-13 rated version of Deadpool 2
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Old 07-08-2019, 01:35 PM   #7905
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)

"Mud wrestling is definitely a spectator sport."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)

"The rat is the cleanest one."
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Old 07-08-2019, 06:57 PM   #7906
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Saw this as a live screening at the Dartmouth College. Was fun!

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Old 07-08-2019, 08:23 PM   #7907
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Godzilla (1954)

"I can't believe that Godzilla was the only surviving member of its species."
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Old 07-09-2019, 03:10 AM   #7908
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Default Spider Man Far From Home

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Old 07-09-2019, 04:30 PM   #7909
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The Equalizer (2014)

"Change your world."

Walt: The Man Behind the Myth (2001)

"I'm afraid we're just going to have to say 'Walt Disney: genius. Period."
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Old 07-10-2019, 04:09 AM   #7910
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Bad Times At The El Royale (2018)

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Old 07-10-2019, 08:38 AM   #7911
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[Rifftrax:] Godzilla (1998/2014)

"Before Michael ever Bayed there was Roland Emmerich."

Watchmen (2009)

"It's all a joke. Mother forgive me."
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Old 07-12-2019, 04:18 AM   #7912
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Us (2019)

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Old 07-12-2019, 03:26 PM   #7913
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I saw the last movie a harry potter and This is my favorite movie.
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Old 07-12-2019, 05:20 PM   #7914
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Rare to see a movie about The Jewish experience in such detail. Good stuff.

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Old 07-14-2019, 01:45 AM   #7915
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Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)

"Darling, if you save the world, you can have a backstage pass."

Almost as good as the original, believe it or not. I loved Elton John in it, he was goddamn hilarious, you get some good fight scenes, and of course, good liquor and fine clothing.

I wasn't sure about bringing back Colin Firth, but it was well done, and goddamn that memory trigger scene was intense.

Definitely worth checking out, and looking forward to the third film.
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Old 07-14-2019, 02:46 AM   #7916
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Charlie's Angels (2000)

"That man's got a beautiful phone voice."

MST3K: The Giant Gila Monster (1959/1992)

"The whole town revolves around the towing industry."

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Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)...Almost as good as the original, believe it or not. I loved Elton John in it, he was goddamn hilarious, you get some good fight scenes, and of course, good liquor and fine clothing...
I was pleasantly surprised with that one. Bringing Firth back felt so gimmicky, but it was just fun.
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Old 07-14-2019, 03:43 AM   #7917
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I didn't like the dinner scene, though. It was almost good, but then ruined by the whole "yelling at the wrong person" gag. Everything would have been just as effective or better by just having Eggsy make a good impression on Tilde's parents and then coming home to ruins.
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Old 07-14-2019, 03:50 AM   #7918
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The Giant Spider (2013)

"Spider pheromones don't fail me now."

Attack of the Giant Teacher (2019)

"We want to do a musical!"

This fun ultra-independent/low-budget kaiju flick made its world debut at G-Fest with the writer/director (and one of the actresses) introducing and closing it.
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Old 07-15-2019, 01:43 AM   #7919
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Malibu Express (1985)

"Sugar, I'm the fastest thing on the lot."

Cody Abilene, special investigator, is sent to investigate suspicious activity at a ritzy manor, where an ex-con chauffeur is deeply in debt and blackmailing to pay off his creditor. At the same time, another special agent is investigating activity of unethical persons selling American computers to the Soviets. When the chauffeur is murdered, Abilene must use all of his wit and daring to solve the killing.

This is nowhere near as good as Hard Ticket to Hawaii, but damn if it isn't just as wildly entertaining.

Here's a rundown of some of the highlights:

* Abilene goes to the Agency's shooting range with a .44 revolver, which he carries in a briefcase that, I shit you not, has fake cow print on it (white exterior with awkwardly-cut black patches to imitate the pattern); this briefcase also shows up in Picasso Trigger, which I'm watching right now

* Abilene goes to his yacht where he's ambushed by his new neighbors, who immediately have sex with him

* The manor's female servant is Maid Marion, and she has hair like Dee Snyder never got it cut

* Abilene's father beat a redneck in a race years ago, and the redneck and his family have been out for payback ever since. They force Abilene to race but after their surprise victory, the son admits to the dad that he used a special formula. He then pulls out a large moonshine jar with a glowing orange fluid that's giving off more smoke than Mount St. Helen, and says it gives 20 seconds of rocket fuel before exploding. His car engine then bursts into flames. By the way, the son looks like the original Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies, the mom looks like Mimi from The Drew Carrey Show, and the dad looks like Drew Carrey's twin brother stopped giving a shit.

* The chauffeur video tapes himself having sex with various women to use as blackmail, and he basically takes pictures while he rapes a woman in the shower. I honestly was stunned by this, because it went from schlock to straight horror pretty fucking fast.

* The one manor resident looks like David Hyde Pierce, and is a crossdresser, but then he tells the chauffeur to fuck off when the bastard tries to blackmail him for funds

* Abilene is attacked by thugs and left in the desert where he finds a used car lot, the saleswoman working there is the easiest lay I've seen in ages (it's where I got the quote from)

* Abilene can't hit a target the entire film except for twice pretty late into things. This goes from a joke trait to being pretty fucking stupid because multiple times he's in gunfights but cannot hit guys five feet away from him

I'll leave it there because shit is just weird. It isn't as polished as Hard Ticket, frankly all the sex makes the film worse and I'm pretty sure that writer/director Andy Sidaris had a serious porn career before getting into schlock action flicks with Malibu Express.
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Old 07-15-2019, 03:29 AM   #7920
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Rim Of The World (2019)

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Old 07-15-2019, 04:50 AM   #7921
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The Great Buddha Arrival (2018)

"Many people saw it."

Another American premier at GFest; this one based on a 30s Japanese film that is lost but considered a kaiju predecessor. Heard later (from one of the actresses) that it was a rough cut and more is to come.

Notzilla (2019)

"How often does this happen in Japan?
-Like every two weeks."

And one more fanfilm/spoof. Very fast-pace humor and a good watch.
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Old 07-17-2019, 05:45 AM   #7922
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Mission: Impossible - Fallout (2018)

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Old 07-17-2019, 02:25 PM   #7923
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The Alligator People (1959)

"I'll kill you Alligator Man! Just like I'd kill any four-legged gator!"

Another 60th anniversary. And for the full moon, I watched one I picked up at the con.

The Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman (1970)

"I wish we were back in civilization, like in the middle of traffic."
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Old 07-17-2019, 08:12 PM   #7924
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The Alligator People is actually a pretty good film, corny makeup aside.

As for the other flick: "See it with someone you hate"? That's a ballsy tagline.
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Old 07-17-2019, 08:56 PM   #7925
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Mad Cowgirl (2006)

"I am the girl with the thunder kick."

Stupid.

Thunderbolt (1995)

"Let me in; I'm the press."

A lesser Jackie Chan flick, but setting it in the racing world is a fun twist.

Quote:
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The Alligator People is actually a pretty good film, corny makeup aside.
Yep. It's a cool story and the middle mutation (where he has scales on his face) is decent. The final one (in the poster) is weak.

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As for the other flick: "See it with someone you hate"? That's a ballsy tagline.
I posted that without even noticing. That is pretty awesome. Honestly, it was a tad slow, but worth the watch (for me, anyway). And Naschy is an iconic werewolf (probably played one more than any other actor in movies).
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