Last film you saw, vol. 6

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The Black Cauldron (1985)

"Taran, do something! Use the sword!"

So this is the worst Disney film ever released, not earning its money back after 34 years from debut. Apparently the original budget was $25m but then it ballooned to $40m, if word is to be believed. Produced but clearly not actually made by Disney, and it shows.

The characters are severely underdeveloped. You don't have any real depth to them beyond cliches, the scenes just hurry everything along to get to the next plot point, the voices don't have any real passion (then again, the dialog is pretty standard), and everything happens very easily.

I mean, you have the Black Cauldron, which was created as a result of the gods punishing a seriously malicious king, and it can raise the fucking dead. There's an evil, zombie-like sorcerer named the Horned King who wants to get the Cauldron, and he somehow finds out about a magical pig (we never learn how he finds out, he just does), and when Taran and the Princess find the crypt of the castle's original lord, who was a great hero with a goddamn magical sword, we don't get anything about how the Horned King is afraid to desecrate the crypt because of its protections (I'm assuming such content is there, because it is an obvious possibility and would have made great content). Later on, the misfit heroes are led by a fairy who's basically Grumpy Dwarf to a swamp with three idiot witches, who just so happen to have the Black Cauldron right under their hovel.

Seriously, the plot device is that easy to find. Oh, and the witches also have the power to reverse death, because sacrifice means nothing.

I caught a glimpse about how this was adapted from a children's book series, but it can't possibly be a very good adaptation, because otherwise the books must be terrible. The film itself is incredibly mediocre (I really only liked the painted sets and the Horned King's design, which I swear looks like Mum-Ra from Thundercats).

At least it's only 80 minutes long.

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Ceelbrated a couple movies that turned 20 on Friday and Saturday respectively:

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

"They got a pill for what's wrong with you?"

The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

"Monet's unknown masterpiece, Dogs At Cards."

I don't often like remakes more than the original (especially 60s movies or movies with McQueen), but this one was more clever and the anti-hero is a little more moral.

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Those are both pretty good. Haven't seen them in ages.

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Santo in the Diabolical Axe (1965)

"I've lived up to my destiny, now you live up to yours."

One of my con purchases that I was excited to pop in and it was fun.

The Amityville Horror (1979)

"Houses don't have memories."

Another anniversary. This one turned 40, but all these '79 movies turning 40 just reminds me that I don't have long left to be in my 30s.

Those are both pretty good. Haven't seen them in ages.

Celebrating the anniversaries has been a good way to make me revisit ones I might not get to for some time otherwise. But I'm torn tomorrow since it's the 20th anniversary of Stir of Echoes and the 30th of Friday the 13th Part VIII. I definitely think SoE is the better movie and it's been longer since I've seen it, but I have to admit that Jason Takes Manhattan has become a fun watch for me.

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Happy Death Day 2U (2019)

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The Apple (1980)

"These are the children of the '60s, commonly known as hippies."

Early Cannon failure. Feels like a blend of Phantom of Paradise, Xanadu, and Death Race 2000, but with none of the fun that might suggest. I more or less knew what I was getting into, but hoped for some camp value or the experience of having seen it. I got the latter.
The message would seem to be that yuppies work for Satan and Hippies for God with no one between.

Friday the 13th: Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

"We live in claustrophobia; the land of steel and concrete, trapped by dark waters. There is no escape, nor do we want it. We've come to thrive on it and each other. You can't get the adrenaline pumpin' without the terror, good people, I love this town.

Not my favorite, but it's grown on me and I'm sure Jeff would be glad to know I honored its 30th.

[Mister Ed Horse of a Different Color Find all posts View Profile Close Mister Ed]

The Black Cauldron (1985)

"Taran, do something! Use the sword!"

So this is the worst Disney film ever released, not earning its money back after 34 years from debut. Apparently the original budget was $25m but then it ballooned to $40m, if word is to be believed. Produced but clearly not actually made by Disney, and it shows.

The characters are severely underdeveloped. You don't have any real depth to them beyond cliches, the scenes just hurry everything along to get to the next plot point, the voices don't have any real passion (then again, the dialog is pretty standard), and everything happens very easily.

I mean, you have the Black Cauldron, which was created as a result of the gods punishing a seriously malicious king, and it can raise the fucking dead. There's an evil, zombie-like sorcerer named the Horned King who wants to get the Cauldron, and he somehow finds out about a magical pig (we never learn how he finds out, he just does), and when Taran and the Princess find the crypt of the castle's original lord, who was a great hero with a goddamn magical sword, we don't get anything about how the Horned King is afraid to desecrate the crypt because of its protections (I'm assuming such content is there, because it is an obvious possibility and would have made great content). Later on, the misfit heroes are led by a fairy who's basically Grumpy Dwarf to a swamp with three idiot witches, who just so happen to have the Black Cauldron right under their hovel.

Seriously, the plot device is that easy to find. Oh, and the witches also have the power to reverse death, because sacrifice means nothing.

I caught a glimpse about how this was adapted from a children's book series, but it can't possibly be a very good adaptation, because otherwise the books must be terrible. The film itself is incredibly mediocre (I really only liked the painted sets and the Horned King's design, which I swear looks like Mum-Ra from Thundercats).

At least it's only 80 minutes long.

I enjoyed the books, but found the movie to be a terrible adaptation. However, it has been too long since I read the books for me to confidently recommend them. I feel confident in saying they are better than the movie, but I've been burned too many times when revisiting things I enjoyed in my younger days to ever recommend something that I haven't reread/watched relatively recently.

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Tentacles (1977)

"All octopi, large or small, have a sense of foresight."

W. (2008)

"What are you cut out for? Partying, chasing tail, driving drunk? Who do you think you are, a Kennedy? You're a Bush! Act like one."

Stone made W. much more human and understandable than I would've expected. Pretty good.

[Agent Purple The Illustrated Man Find all posts View Profile Close Agent Purple]

The Apple (1980)

"These are the children of the '60s, commonly known as hippies."

Early Cannon failure. Feels like a blend of Phantom of Paradise, Xanadu, and Death Race 2000, but with none of the fun that might suggest. I more or less knew what I was getting into, but hoped for some camp value or the experience of having seen it. I got the latter.
The message would seem to be that yuppies work for Satan and Hippies for God with no one between.

I haven't seen the full thing yet, but some of the music I caught wasn't outright terrible, and the ending is so batshit ridiculous that it has to be seen to be believed, which is a kind of guilty pleasure of mine.

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Hyena Road (2015)

"Even the dirt is hostile."

Dark and Stormy Night (2009)

"I'd say, from the position of the knife, that he'd been stabbed."

A spoof of Old Dark House movies from the same guys that made Lost Skeleton of Cadavra.

I haven't seen the full thing yet, but some of the music I caught wasn't outright terrible, and the ending is so batshit ridiculous that it has to be seen to be believed, which is a kind of guilty pleasure of mine.

That it is. Some of the music is clever, but I can't buy that the girl is worth the guy fighting for. And the satire hits you over the head. For example, I picked up the Adam and Eve analogy a few minutes in, but then they outright tell you with a big song number (which admittedly is one of the better ones).

[Agent Purple The Illustrated Man Find all posts View Profile Close Agent Purple]

The Lost Skeleton guys did Old Dark House? Shit, I must see that!

...And Lost Skeleton, which I have owned for some time but never watched end-to-end.

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The Last Man on the Moon (2014)

"I often tell young kids and particularly my grandkids, don't ever count yourself out. You'll never know how good you are unless you try. Dream the impossible and go out and make it happen. I walked on the moon. what can't you do?"

Ralph Breaks the Internet (2018)

"Sweet mother of monkey milk!"

Loved it.

The Lost Skeleton guys did Old Dark House? Shit, I must see that!

...And Lost Skeleton, which I have owned for some time but never watched end-to-end.

I have to pick up Lost Skeleton (and the sequel) one of these days. I really liked it.

...I feel confident in saying they are better than the movie, but I've been burned too many times when revisiting things I enjoyed in my younger days to ever recommend something that I haven't reread/watched relatively recently.

It's probably just evidence that I'm too nostalgic and way too immature, but that almost never happens to me.
There are movies I've had to take breaks from because of over saturation (like A Christmas Story) and there are movies that I overvalued as a kid, but which I still enjoy (like say Top Gun), but rarely do I say "this is horrible, what did I ever see in this movie?"
And there are way more cases of movies I disliked which I've come to enjoy.
Even movies that were very much made for children (like G.I. Joe the Movie) I can pop in when I'm in the mood and easily enjoy with my nostalgia glasses on.
Actually, off the top of my head, I can't even think of one, though I'm sure I'd be less amused with the Sesame Street movie Follow That Bird than I recall being when I was 5 if I actually bothered to watch it again.

[Mister Ed Horse of a Different Color Find all posts View Profile Close Mister Ed]

I mainly recall two big disappointments.

The Neverending Story, which I LOVED as a kid, and watched over and over, but as an adult found much of the acting to be painfully bad, particularly by the main child actor.

The Goonies, which I similarly adored as a child, really threw me off as an adult with the amount of profanity coming from those kids (somehow I didn't recall that at all), and also came across as badly ad-libbed in many spots, like the kids were just saying whatever came to mind. It still had some good stuff (as did The Neverending Story, to be honest), but it just seemed cringeworthy far too often.

I think it may just be cases where I had really hyped something up in my memory as the best thing ever. There are plenty of other movies from my childhood that I rewatched and enjoyed despite them being less than perfect, perhaps because I had not elevated them so much in memory.

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MST3K: The Killer Shrews (1959/1992)

"I think this movie just broke the goofy meter."

Hairspray (1988)

"Our souls are black even though our skin is white."

I mainly recall two big disappointments.

The Neverending Story, which I LOVED as a kid, and watched over and over, but as an adult found much of the acting to be painfully bad, particularly by the main child actor.

The Goonies, which I similarly adored as a child, really threw me off as an adult with the amount of profanity coming from those kids (somehow I didn't recall that at all), and also came across as badly ad-libbed in many spots, like the kids were just saying whatever came to mind. It still had some good stuff (as did The Neverending Story, to be honest), but it just seemed cringeworthy far too often.

I think it may just be cases where I had really hyped something up in my memory as the best thing ever. There are plenty of other movies from my childhood that I rewatched and enjoyed despite them being less than perfect, perhaps because I had not elevated them so much in memory.

Both of those movies are in my collection, but I get what you're saying. They each have positives and negatives.

The comparable movie for me would be Top Gun. When I was about nine I thought it was the coolest thing ever. Now, I see how cliched and over-the-top (no pun intended) it is. I can still enjoy it, though. I've adjusted my expectations.

As far as recommending stuff, I usually acknowledge no movie is for everyone. Even when I discuss my favorite movie, Highlander, I like to add that it is neither flawless nor everyone's taste.

If I were to talk about a movie from the past like that, I probably wouldn't say more than "I loved that as a child." I'm wondering about one myself. I remember loving the cartoon Dot and the Kangaroo as a little kid, but I haven't seen it decades (had to look up the title). Not sure if it's any good objectively or if I'd even like anything about it. I saw it at a dollar store once. Wish I had picked it up.

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Pet Sematary (2019)